Chapter 29: The Choice

"Came," rather than "returned."

Li Xunhuan caught the nuance—a deliberate alienation. Two people in love do not necessarily bring each other joy; they can just as easily inflict pain. Revenge is addictive, especially the kind traded between lovers.

Li Xunhuan sighed, nearly faltering under the weight of Lin Shiyin’s gaze.

"I heard," Lin Shiyin asked, her voice filled with disbelief, "that you intend to marry Long Xiaoyun?"

She had been in the Cold Fragrance Pavilion since early morning, hearing the clamor outside. After tidying herself, she had come to the courtyard only to overhear Li Xunhuan’s "bold proclamation." Since when had the renowned scholar Li Xunhuan developed an affection for a man? Why had she known nothing of this?

Hearing her question, a flush of shame crept across Li Xunhuan’s face. How could a man not blush when humiliated before the woman he loved most? He wanted to explain, but he was no longer himself; he was merely a puppet acting out this farce.

Li Xunhuan wore a wicked, charming smile. "Shiyin, do you not understand?"

Looking at this suddenly transformed Li Xunhuan, Lin Shiyin felt a sense of estrangement. Even after ten years of absence, one should not feel this like a stranger. She took a cautious step back, shaking her head. "I do not understand."

Li Xunhuan stepped forward. "I intend to marry him for your sake. Or perhaps, to marry you, I must marry Long Xiaoyun."

Lin Shiyin retreated further, still bewildered.

Li Xunhuan closed the distance between them, standing right before her. "I was wrong back then. I made the choice for the both of you, ignoring your feelings and Long Xiaoyun’s. Especially yours, Shiyin."

"I loved you so deeply, yet I never asked for your will. I thought I had made the right choice. And yet..." He reached out to gently touch her face, tears welling in his eyes. "And yet, we both ended up in misery. Although I did not return, nothing in the martial arts world escapes my eyes. You, I, and he—we have all been suffering! It is all because of me."

Caught off guard by this sudden, raw confession, Lin Shiyin felt a mix of alienation and panic. "Who are you? You are not Xunhuan!"

They were childhood sweethearts who had grown up together. She knew Li Xunhuan; no matter how time changed him, he would never become this person. The person you love most is the one who knows you best.

Li Xunhuan sighed inwardly, yet he could not help but let out a loud laugh, pulling Lin Shiyin into his arms. "Shiyin, what are you thinking? I am Li Xunhuan!"

Lin Shiyin looked at the man who had suddenly grabbed her, his face twisted in that wicked, unfamiliar smile. "You are not Xunhuan! Xunhuan would never act like this!" In her heart, Li Xunhuan was a man of integrity and kindness; he could never become this.

Li Xunhuan held her close, savoring the feeling of his beloved in his arms. "Shiyin, kindness can also be a weapon that hurts others. If I had been as daring and decisive back then as I am now, how could things have ended up like this?"

"That is why I hate! I hate myself! I hate that I was too kind. So, I killed my own kindness; I killed my incompetent past. Only in this way can I win you back. Only in this way can I continue to love you!"

Feeling the madness of the man beside her, Lin Shiyin was stunned. If the Li Xunhuan of those years had been like this, would these ten years have been so... empty? She lost herself in thought for a moment, feeling him tighten his grip, as if he could not bear to let her go.

Li Xunhuan murmured to himself, "I can impose my will upon others, but with you... with you, I cannot bear to. I want you to be happy; I want you to live a better life than I. So, I offer you a choice: will you choose Long Xiaoyun, or will you choose a mad Li Xunhuan?"

A choice?

Lin Shiyin fell silent. She was a woman of resignation, someone who chose to endure the mockery of fate in silence. Ten years ago, she was his cousin, his fiancée, yet he had never asked for her opinion; he had decided for her. In this era, as a woman, she had no other choice. She had no right to choose, and no one would listen if she said "no."

Now, Li Xunhuan suddenly asked her to choose. How could she? Should she choose her current husband, or this Li Xunhuan who had become so unrecognizable? Could she even make such a choice?

She remained silent, and so did he. After a moment—was it a quarter of an hour, or half a cup of tea?—Li Xunhuan spoke, his voice filled with pain. "If you choose Long Xiaoyun, I will leave."

Lin Shiyin looked at the wicked, smiling man and suddenly reached out to touch the corner of his crooked mouth. "Smiling like this... it must be tiring, isn't it?"

Her heart was kind and patient. Even when faced with the man who had caused her such pain, she could not bring herself to hate him. In that moment, she forgave him.

Soon, she would make the most important choice of her life—the first choice of her life. Making a choice requires courage.

"Back then... and now..." Lin Shiyin suddenly smiled. In that smile, there was no longer any resentment in her eyes. For ten years, she had wept in silence, lamenting her fate. Now, her fate was hers to choose. Her life would change because of this decision, and no matter what, she would not regret it.

"I am willing to be with you, to keep you from going mad."

Li Xunhuan’s face flooded with tears. This kind woman, faced with his ugliness, was still willing to trust him, to change him. Ten years ago, he had been truly wrong. What had he been missing? He had almost lost the love of his life, all for the sake of "doing what was best for her" and for the sake of brotherhood. How foolish he had been!

Suddenly, he felt he could move again, but he did not release her. He had been forced to hold her before, but now, he did not want to let go.

"It seems you won this round. The rest is up to you," the voice of Shi Fei echoed in his ears.

Not long ago, Li Xunhuan had made a wager with Shi Fei, staking his own freedom on who Lin Shiyin would choose. If Li Xunhuan lost, he would obey and become Shi Fei’s puppet. If he won, Shi Fei would release his control. Shi Fei had let him choose first, and after much hesitation, Li Xunhuan had chosen "himself." He had gambled that if given the chance, Lin Shiyin would choose him.

Shi Fei had sneered, asking him, "Do you think you will win or lose?"

Li Xunhuan had sighed, remaining silent. He both hoped to win and hoped to lose. If he won, he would regain his beauty, but it would also prove that his past self had been wrong. If he lost, it would prove his past actions were correct. Though he hungered for freedom, he had never imagined Lin Shiyin would be so brave, so bold.

Perhaps he had never truly understood her, because he had never given her the choice.