Chapter One Hundred: Need

At that moment, I was truly rigid all over, unable to move. My mind was in utter turmoil, a hundred conflicting thoughts surging up one after another.

Part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind. With such a mature beauty held in my arms, in a moment like this, if I did not take what was before me, would I not be the world’s greatest fool?

And yet another part of me knew that I did not love the woman in my arms at all. If I were to sleep with her, then knowing my temper, I would surely feel bound to marry her. I had promised to care for her for the rest of her life, but that was an entirely different matter from taking her as my wife.

While I was suffering in this torment, Gu Ruoyan was all joy. Satisfied, she closed her eyes and sighed. “Ah, this is so nice. Having such a strong embrace to lean on really does make one feel secure and warm.”

She tilted her head, adjusting herself into the most comfortable sleeping position. As her body shifted beneath my hand, I felt the waves of her curves rise and fall. By my reckoning, the fullness beneath my palm was astonishingly ample; no matter how I spread my hand, I could never fully encompass it. That faint wicked thought was all it took for hot blood to rush uncontrollably to my head, then spread from the crown of my skull through my entire body.

I only felt my insides growing hot and restless, with certain places stirring into life. I hurriedly withdrew my hand from Gu Ruoyan’s body, terrified that if I let this closeness continue, I really would lose control and commit a terrible mistake.

Gu Ruoyan opened her eyes and said in dissatisfaction, “What’s wrong? Didn’t I want you to hold me?”

I could only find an excuse. “I... I’m going to smoke. Have a cigarette!” I said, quickly grabbing the cigarettes from the nightstand and lighting one.

Gu Ruoyan adjusted herself again and muttered, “What kind of addiction is that? You even have to smoke while lying in bed?” She turned slightly, half-reclining, half-nestled against my chest. One arm wrapped naturally around my waist, and one of her long legs even came to rest over mine in a manner that was far from proper.

As she moved, wave after wave of desire battered my reason. My hand, holding the cigarette, trembled faintly, and my heartbeat was twice its usual speed. To distract myself and ease the rising wicked thoughts, I asked, “Manager, if a man wants to be intimate with his girlfriend but doesn’t want to hurt her, how should he act to satisfy both sides?”

Gu Ruoyan laughed lightly. “Impossible. Unless that girlfriend doesn’t love the man, how could there possibly be a way to have it both ways? If there were, there would be no such thing as suffering for love in this world.”

I took another drag and said, “I know that too. What I mean is, how can he reduce the harm to the absolute minimum and keep her from feeling heartbroken?”

Gu Ruoyan lifted her head to look at me, a glimmer of delight in her eyes. She said, “You don’t need to break up with your girlfriend. I said before that I would only be your lover and never ask for any title. I know I’m not worthy of you. You can keep seeing her, even marry her if you want. I can just hide in the shadows.”

I sighed and said, “How do you know I’m talking about myself?”

Gu Ruoyan smiled. “Do I still not know you? You’re kind to the point of being excessive, never thinking of yourself. Even when you break up, you try every possible way not to hurt the other person. Do you think that by agreeing to me, you’d already be betraying your girlfriend? You really are... honest.”

I fell silent, taking several long drags from my cigarette before finally saying, “My desire to break up with my girlfriend actually has nothing to do with you. It’s my own fault. I’ve fallen for someone else, and I don’t want to keep lying like this anymore. I know that in this lifetime I can never love anyone else again, and I can never give her happiness. Rather than dragging it out and hiding the truth, I might as well leave her early and let her find her own happiness. In this life, I’m destined to owe her.”

Gu Ruoyan was very sensitive. After a brief thought, she asked, “You saw that big star again?”

I had long since experienced her sharp judgment. At this point, I was no longer surprised by how accurate she was, and could only nod.

Gu Ruoyan went on, “You... you still haven’t forgotten her? Tang Qian, I’m not trying to criticize you, but if you keep sinking into this unreal fantasy, it will ruin your whole life.”

I gave a bitter smile. “I know that too, but feelings really aren’t something I can control. Every time I see her once more, I end up loving her a little more. There’s nothing I can do.”

Gu Ruoyan held me even tighter and said with a sigh, “Ah, yes. They really aren’t something one can control. I knew perfectly well that nothing between us was possible, and yet I still fell for you, didn’t I? Love is such a helpless thing.”

At that moment, all desire had vanished from me. The bleakness in my heart made me wrap my arms around the generous body in my embrace. As if two sufferers had found one another, I was filled with pity for Gu Ruoyan. She seemed to think of something, and a bitter sigh escaped her lips. Then she sank into deep silence, clinging to me without a word.

After a long while, Gu Ruoyan suddenly sat up from beneath the covers. Kneeling on the bed, she reached out and cupped my face in her hands. With a voice tinged with melancholy, she said, “Look at us. We’re both pitiful people. We both love someone we cannot have. Who, besides ourselves, knows the pain in that? We... should...” As she spoke, her hot lips pressed against mine and sealed my mouth.

In her frantic kissing, I could feel a trace of bitterness in her heart. Vaguely, I sensed that the deepest pain in Gu Ruoyan’s heart at that moment, the person she truly meant when she spoke of the one she loved, was not me.

I did not refuse her kiss. I even took the initiative and opened my mouth, allowing her tongue in so I could draw it into a gentle suck. Yet my heart held no wicked intent. I only shared the same mood as Gu Ruoyan. In this world, no one could understand the other better, and no one could more fully comprehend the other’s pain. As fellow drifters cast adrift by fate, this kiss was nothing more than release and comfort.

As we kissed, I tasted salt at the corner of my lips. Looking closely, I found it was a tear sliding down from the corner of her eye. Something inside me stirred, and I reached out to gently wipe it away. “In truth, you still love your husband very much, don’t you?”

Gu Ruoyan did not answer. In a very soft voice, she said, “Tang Qian, let’s make love. I want to so badly. Please?”

I slowly shook my head. “Kissing is already the best comfort. If we go any further, I’m afraid I’ll regret it later. You’re really treating me as a substitute for your husband, not as someone you truly like. You will still find the happiness that truly belongs to you one day. I don’t want a moment of weakness between us today to affect your life later.”

Gu Ruoyan said in distress, “I... I’m not treating you as a substitute. I really want to make love with you! I need it. I can’t bear it anymore. Tang Qian, I beg you... love me just once, will you?”

Now that I understood what was truly in Gu Ruoyan’s heart, I actually felt much lighter.

First, she had no other friends. Seeing that I cared about her, she clung tightly to me. She was even willing for me to be her lover, yet she had never once thought of marrying me. That proved the only person she truly loved was her former husband.

Second, it had been far too long since any man had loved her. As a normal woman with needs, it had become unbearable. So once she had seized me, she shamelessly asked me to stay with her in bed, even resorting to temptation to lure me.

Once I understood all this, the heavy burden that had been pressing on me moments ago vanished completely. I no longer needed to spend my whole life caring for her, because she did not love me to begin with. I only needed to wait until she found true love, and I would naturally be freed. That was fully in keeping with the original reason I had helped her in the first place. I would no longer trap myself in a cocoon of my own making.

I smiled and said, “I know you’re in great need, so you should get out of the shadow of your former husband as soon as possible and go find the person who truly loves you. I’m not right for you. I’ve already endured all these days, so why should I care about waiting a few more?”

Gu Ruoyan looked as though she wanted to cry but could not. “Tang Qian, I can’t hold on any longer. I need it now!” she cried, and with that, she swung one leg over both of mine and straddled my lower abdomen, lifting my head in both hands and kissing me again.

I turned my face away and said in a deep voice, “Gu Ruoyan, calm yourself down. Don’t throw yourself away just because you’ve lost the one you love. Don’t indulge yourself like this. You’ll regret it.” With that, I flipped the blanket aside and leapt out of bed.

At last, Gu Ruoyan began to cry. She collapsed face down onto the bed and wept soundlessly. I did not leave. Instead, I sat back down at the bedside and gently patted her shoulder. “Manager, being abandoned by love is indeed painful, but you’re still young. You have a long life ahead of you. You can’t live in pain forever. Think about what I said. Go make more friends. Don’t rely on me alone. You’re so beautiful; someday, surely, a man who truly loves you will appear. Don’t you want to live happily with someone you love and who loves you back? Do you really want to remain only someone’s lover? I know all of this is against your true feelings. Time is the best medicine for a wounded heart. I believe you’ll understand eventually.”

She could not hear me. Crying, she shouted, “Then leave! Just leave! Even you don’t want me now. Men! Not one of them can be relied on. What meaning is there in my living?”

I sighed. “I won’t abandon you. My purpose is to help you find happiness. So you have to trust me. In this world, I am not the only man. There are many good men you simply haven’t met yet. I know you don’t truly love me. You only want me to ease your loneliness and emptiness, which is why you asked to be my lover without fully having me. But I can’t accept that. I can’t be with a woman who doesn’t love me just because I want to satisfy a physical need. That would not only be irresponsible to you, but also irresponsible to myself. I’m sorry. Your emotions are very unstable today, and you may not like what I’m saying. Think it over carefully after I leave. I hope you recover soon.”

As I spoke, I stood up and was about to put on my shoes and go. Suddenly, Gu Ruoyan rose and threw herself at me from behind, wrapping her arms around me as she cried, “Tang Qian! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I won’t do this again. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me!”

I finished putting on my shoes and turned back. “I’m not leaving you. But you need to tell me the truth. When you came to me today, was it really because you couldn’t let go of me, or because you couldn’t bear the loneliness and wanted me to be a substitute for your husband?”

Gu Ruoyan sobbed for a long time before saying, “Both. Right now, you’re the only person I can rely on. I truly can’t be without you. And also... I really need this...”

I said, “So what you want is for me to be your lover, as long as I satisfy your needs, even if it means doing something this foolish?”

Gu Ruoyan lowered her head and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I had wanted to flare up, but seeing how pitiful she looked, I could not bring myself to do it. I could only turn back, wipe the tears from her face, and sigh. “Manager, if you really can’t bear it, then hurry and go find the person you love. I can even help introduce you to someone, but never say such foolish things as asking someone to be your lover. A person must take responsibility for herself, mustn’t she?”

Gu Ruoyan lifted her head and said, “Tang Qian, I know you’re upright and kind, and you would never do anything against your conscience. If it’s you, I would truly be willing to accept anything, and I would never regret it.”