Chapter Twenty: Mother

Mrs. Mu thought for a moment. “Would it count if I said I felt an instant kinship with you the moment we met?”

Lu Yalan nodded, then shook her head. Just now, her mind had probably been soaked with tears. Now that she had finished crying and the water in her head had all drained away, her reason had returned. Indeed, an immediate sense of familiarity could prompt someone to lend a hand, but most of the time, shallow acquaintances are best kept at a polite distance; few would risk offending others by extending help so hastily.

Mrs. Mu glanced at Master Liaoyuan. “See? I told you Yalan is a clever child.”

Lu Yalan also turned to look at Liaoyuan. Her eyes, red from crying, still bore traces of rouge at the tip of her nose, and the tears on her cheeks shimmered under the lamp, making her look quite unlike her usual gentle and well-mannered self—pitiful and endearing all at once.

She blinked her tear-washed eyes, gazing straight at Liaoyuan, her dark gaze filled with questions and with hope hidden deep within.

Liaoyuan sighed helplessly. “Amitabha. I was an old friend of your mother’s.”

Mother!

Lu Yalan was stunned. To her, this word was both taboo and filled with every beautiful fantasy. For as long as she could remember, she had never seen her mother, nor had anyone in the Lu household ever spoken of her. All she knew was that her mother’s courtesy name was Cheng Yaoyao.

Her mother seemed to be a household taboo. When she was little, she had once tugged at Nanny Qian’s sleeve to ask what kind of person her mother was. Somehow, word got to the old matriarch, and she was punished to copy scriptures for half a year. Nanny Qian was also beaten within an inch of her life. From then on, Lu Yalan never mentioned her mother again.

After so many years, it was only in the dark of night, in her dreams, that she dared let her mind wander. If her mother were still here, would she press a kiss to her cheek? Would she gently warn her as she played, “Be careful now, don’t fall!”

Lu Yalan had once thought that if she ever had the chance, she must find out what had happened to her mother—at least to know where she was buried, so that she could have a place to mourn, to express her longing. She never expected that, so suddenly, her long-cherished wish would come true.

She blurted out, “My mother…”

Mrs. Mu understood, her gaze toward Lu Yalan full of remembrance as the veil of the past was lifted. “Your mother was a truly remarkable woman. She saved me, saved Liaoyuan, and saved many, many others.”

“Then… then…” Did she love me?

Lu Yalan looked at Mrs. Mu with desperate longing, the words she had turned over in her heart a thousand times now trembling on the tip of her tongue, yet she dared not ask them.

Mrs. Mu, a mother herself, felt her heart ache as she looked at her friend’s orphaned child, her eyes so full of hope. She sighed inwardly: Cheng Yaoyao, you have fulfilled your duty to your conscience and your country, but the one person you owe can never be repaid in this life.

Faced with the child’s earnest gaze, all the words Mrs. Mu had prepared suddenly lost their flavor.

She wanted to say: your mother was the brightest star of her era. She wanted to say: your mother was brilliant and wise, her charm unmatched. But none of that was a mother’s love for her child.

Finally, Mrs. Mu said, “Your mother named you Lan, hoping you would ‘not need to be picked to be worthy of wearing, but even if unseen, would still be fragrant.’ These were her own words.”

“Is… is that so?” Lu Yalan couldn’t help but smile, then immediately felt a pang of regret. “Though I don’t quite understand what it means, it must be a beautiful blessing!”

“I… I’ve failed my mother’s expectations…”

So she, too, was a child her mother had hoped for! Yet she couldn’t even comprehend her mother’s hope!

Lu Yalan smiled shyly, unaware that tears were streaming down her face.

Mrs. Mu’s heart ached at the sight; she turned away to wipe her damp eyes. Master Liaoyuan sat calmly, but his prayer beads spun much faster.

The Lu family had truly wronged this child.

After regaining her composure, Mrs. Mu tried to explain the meaning of her mother’s words, but Lu Yalan shook her head, uncharacteristically refusing, “I want to figure out this line of poetry myself. I’ll understand it soon enough.”

This was her resolve; perhaps, by doing so, she could draw a little closer to the person her mother wished she would become.

So many questions were buried deep in Lu Yalan’s heart; now, meeting her mother’s friends, she was both anxious and excited, eager to learn about her mother from their lips.

That way, she could be closer to her mother—just a little closer.

She wanted to ask more, but was interrupted by a large hand resting gently on her head.

Lu Yalan gazed blankly at Master Liaoyuan.

“You are still too young. Even if you learned more now, it would only bring you trouble. All you need to know is that your mother loved you dearly—she never wanted to abandon you. As for the rest, when the time is right, you will know.”

In Liaoyuan’s eyes were both blessings and concern, and the warmth of his palm seeped through her scalp straight into her heart.

Lu Yalan sensed from their reluctance to speak that something was amiss, and suddenly she no longer wished to ask. No matter what her mother had been like or what she had experienced, one day, she would find out the truth.

Mrs. Mu was relieved to see Lu Yalan stop pressing for answers and quickly changed the subject. “Would you like to meet my son? He has many admirers, you know.”

Perhaps it was her mother’s hope that finally let her lay down the burdens in her heart; perhaps knowing she was loved gave her new strength. In that moment, Lu Yalan grew up.

Hearing Mrs. Mu mention her son again, Lu Yalan remained calm. She was neither shy nor evasive; after a moment’s thought, she replied seriously, “Zhao Dingsheng, my former fiancé, is said to be a progressive young man who loathes arranged marriages. So, I think you should ask your son’s opinion first.”

“After all, these days, everyone advocates for free love.”

Lu Yalan wasn’t particularly invested in the idea of free love, but it seemed that most men were of the same mind as Zhao Dingsheng. She, too, had to consider this point, lest she experience the humiliation of another broken engagement.

She spoke about her future with poise, all traces of a bashful maiden gone. Her candid manner reminded Mrs. Mu, in a flash, of someone she had once known.

Mrs. Mu pondered for a moment, then waved her hand. “Don’t be fooled by my old-fashioned appearance. In my youth, I traveled widely and embraced many new ideas. I never believed in those outdated customs where couples couldn’t even meet before marriage.”

“I’ve heard you haven’t had an easy time at the Lu household. I’ll have my son drop by, just to thank you—no talk of marriage. He’s not without his merits. Once the Lu family knows you’re my benefactress, they’ll treat you better. After this, you can come visit me whenever you like.”

“When you see him, you can decide if you’re satisfied or not!”

Mrs. Mu’s arrangements were so thoughtful that Lu Yalan was both moved and pleased. Seeing that Mrs. Mu didn’t press the matter of marriage, Lu Yalan felt relieved, though she hadn’t expected that last remark. She could only smile wryly and pretend not to hear.

She knew her own situation well—an old-fashioned woman, a spinster whose engagement had been broken. How could someone the Lu family was eager to curry favor with possibly be interested in her?

Lu Yalan didn’t dwell on it. Seeing that it was late and not wanting to disturb them further, she prepared to take her leave.

Only now, as the room grew quiet, did she realize how awkward she felt. For a moment, she didn’t know how to begin, and her gaze wandered aimlessly.

Suddenly, her eyes landed on Mrs. Mu’s shoulder and froze. On the pale blue fabric was a conspicuous, palm-sized dark stain, like a bug clinging to a white wall—impossible to ignore.

How mortifying!

Lu Yalan’s face burned with embarrassment; she wished she could vanish into a crack in the floor.

Mrs. Mu noticed her discomfort and kindly let her off the hook, urging her to rest early and offering a few tips to reduce swelling around the eyes.

As Lu Yalan was closing the door, she caught Mrs. Mu complaining softly to Master Liaoyuan, “How could you just blurt it out? Couldn’t you come up with a better explanation? Look how hard you made that child cry…”

Lu Yalan smiled faintly, listened no more, and walked back to her quarters with Hongxing.

Her elders were keeping things from her; all of them knew it, but their intentions were not malicious, and for now, that was enough.

As for the rest, she would find out one day.

…

To not need to be picked to be worthy of wearing, but even if unseen, to remain fragrant.

On the surface, Lu Yalan appeared calm, but when night fell and she was alone, she found she simply couldn’t sleep. Her mother’s hopes for her echoed in her mind—at times she felt she had disappointed her, at others she resolved to become the person her mother wished her to be.

So she tossed and turned, not knowing when she finally drifted off, only to be awakened all too soon by the sound of Hongxing opening the door.

With a weary sigh, Lu Yalan sat up, clutching her aching head, sore from lack of sleep. She wrapped the quilt around herself and stared off into space for a while before opening her eyes.

The next moment, Hongxing heard her exclaim, “My eyes!”

Hongxing dropped the water basin and rushed over. At the sight of her mistress, she couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

Lu Yalan’s hair stuck up in all directions, her eyes bloodshot and ringed with large, dark circles. All of this could have been tidied up easily, but the main thing was—her eyes were swollen.

Her usual almond-shaped eyes, with their slightly upturned corners, would curve like a crescent moon filled with fine wine when she smiled, sparkling and bright. Now, however, her double eyelids, swollen and inflamed, were as thick as a finger; the puffy eyelids looked like little mounds of flesh, squeezing her dark, bright eyes into narrow slits. Her long lashes were completely hidden by the swelling, and at a glance, it seemed her eyes had been swallowed up by all that puffiness, leaving only bloated lids as evidence.

Lu Yalan tried to open her eyes wide, but the heavy weight above her eyeballs meant that as soon as she relaxed, they shrank back into slits.

Hearing Hongxing laugh, Lu Yalan pounded the bed in frustration. “You’re still laughing!”

Hongxing finally managed to stifle her laughter and, heedless of danger, pointed at Lu Yalan. “Miss, your eyelids look so weird!”

Lu Yalan felt as though two knives had stabbed straight into her heart. She threw out an accusation, “Didn’t you give me a cold towel last night? How did they still get this swollen? Tell me, did you get lazy and use the wrong towel?”

Hongxing was unafraid. “Miss, the towel was on your face—you couldn’t tell if it was cold or warm? I did exactly as Mrs. Mu instructed. Who knew your eyes would still swell like this?”

Lu Yalan slammed her fist on the bed again. “We’re going home today, and who knows how many people we’ll run into on the way. What will people think when they see me like this!”

This was her first time experiencing such a thing. She’d never cried enough to know before; later, she did cry plenty, but back then she was so preoccupied with her worries she hadn’t time for mirrors. During her convalescence she saw no outsiders, and her maid would never dare remind her, so this was the first time she’d discovered that her eyes would swell so badly after a night of crying.

She grumbled, “If it were somewhere else, there’d be ways to cover it up, but it had to be the eyes! Am I supposed to wrap a bandage around my head like I’m blind?” Then she turned her annoyance on Hongxing again. “Yesterday, Aunt Mu suggested several methods—why did you only try the cold compress? It didn’t work at all!”

Hongxing muttered, “But you said yourself the cold compress was the most convenient…”

Lu Yalan refused to listen. “If the old matriarch asks, I’ll tell her you smeared chili oil on my eyelids instead of cream.”

Hongxing thought to herself that Miss must be truly silly if she thought anyone would believe that excuse. She knew her mistress was no longer anxious and was only teasing her, so she took the opportunity to back down. “Alright, it was my fault. What should we do now? Are we still going back today?”

Lu Yalan still remembered being called “eyelid monster” and was unmoved by Hongxing’s attempt at reconciliation. She folded her arms and snorted, turning her head away, but with her hair sticking out in all directions as she clutched her quilt, there was no intimidation in her appearance at all.

“If you won’t say anything, I’ll assume we’re leaving as planned!” called Hongxing over her shoulder.

Lu Yalan reluctantly replied, “Go get an egg and let’s try that. Li San and the others are all ready; it’d be too much trouble to change the plans now. If it doesn’t work, I’ll just have to go out like this.”

“Oh, then won’t Nanny Qian and Second Madame be overjoyed when we get back!”

Lu Yalan paused and stared intently at Hongxing, who, feeling scrutinized, quickly checked her clothes for anything amiss.

After a moment, Hongxing asked, “Miss, why are you looking at me like that?”

“Our Hongxing is so clever!” Meeting her maid’s puzzled gaze, Lu Yalan explained, “Your words just reminded me: the old matriarch’s punishment was too light, and Second Madame is definitely holding a grudge. When we get back, she’ll probably stir up more trouble.”

“If I go home looking like this, everyone will know I’ve had a rough time, crying every day. Along with being thrown into the pond by Li Qiuling… Well, Second Madame will be thrilled to see me in such a sorry state. With her anger vented, she should behave herself for a while.”

At this, Hongxing’s spirits sank. “We haven’t even gone home yet and already have to plan for things like this. I never used to notice, but after living a while without all these worries, it’s clear how stifled we really are.”

Lu Yalan sighed as well. “There’s nothing to be done. Your Miss has neither money nor allies and must rely on others to get by. I can’t compete with Second Madame, who’s been running things for years. Right now, we are at her mercy. If we don’t want to fall into her traps, we have to think a few steps ahead.”

The two sat in silence for a while before Lu Yalan shook herself awake and urged Hongxing, “Hurry and fetch the egg. If we dawdle any longer, we won’t be leaving at all today.”

“Alright!”