Chapter Twenty-Three: The Life of an Ordinary Person

Chapter 23: The Life of an Ordinary Person

Setting down the final box, Ichigo looked with some confusion at the two ordinary cardboard cartons. The contents within always gave him a sense of impending doom.

"Hey, if you're curious, why don't you just open them?" Lolita's voice came from beside the bed.

"...Who... who's curious!" Ichigo tilted his head and retorted. *Tch, it's definitely your undergarments in there. You're just trying to make a fool out of me; I'm not falling for that...*

"Fine, forget it." Seeing the "I'm not falling for it" expression on Ichigo's face, Lolita gave him an amused look and began to unpack them herself.

*Clang!* The sudden sound of a blade being unsheathed startled Ichigo. He turned to look and saw Lolita pull out a gorgeous white-sheathed katana.

"What is this?"

"Ah, my weapon. After all, I have to guard against any untoward behavior you might engage in at night. It won't do to be without some protection." As she spoke, Lolita took an iron rod and gave it a gentle swipe. The rod was severed as if it were paper, clattering to the floor.

"Ugh..." Ichigo felt a chill run from the soles of his feet straight up his spine, and cold sweat began to pour down his body.

*Click!* The sound of a firearm's safety being disengaged pulled Ichigo's attention back. Before his eyes was a gorgeous handgun.

"Uh, I have to ask, why do you need to prepare these things?" Ichigo asked, bewildered, watching as the katana and handgun vanished into Lolita's hands.

"Well, to ward off perverts!"

"Huh?" (⊙o⊙)!

***

The next day at school.

"Haaaah!!" Orange spiky hair, a black Shinigami robe, and a massive Zanpakuto... Ichigo Kurosaki, the newly contracted magical girl—er, cough, cough—the newly appointed Substitute Shinigami, was currently fighting a grueling battle against evil and terrifying forces to protect the bright future of Karakura Town...

*Beep, beep, beep.* However, right beside this scene of hot-blooded combat, a highly incongruous sight appeared...

Lolita sat there with headphones on, holding a newly purchased PSP, playing the latest release from Nintendo, "Monster Hunter P3." Her blue eyes were glued to the screen, blind to the real-life battle unfolding before her. She was fully focused on controlling the protagonist in the game, engaging in a skirmish with a giant octopus... If anyone were to glance at the screen in Lolita's hands, they would be shocked to see a subtle, eerie synchronization with the scene of Ichigo hacking away at a tentacled Hollow.

"Ding-dong!"

With a crisp sound, Lolita watched the victory screen, removed her headphones, and said to the still-fighting Ichigo, "Hey, Ichigo... aren't you done yet? I've already won on my end..."

"Shut up!" Using his massive Zanpakuto to swat away the Hollow's tentacles, Ichigo shouted at Lolita during a brief opening. "Don't compare me to your game! I'm exhausted over here! And why are you able to sit there playing a game console so calmly!?"

"What else am I supposed to do? I don't have a shred of spiritual power right now. You aren't expecting me to engage in hand-to-hand combat like you, are you?" Seeing Ichigo nearly get hit by a tentacle, Lolita rested her chin on her hand, looked at the Hollow, and then suddenly said with a look of horror, "Wait, do you have some sort of twisted agenda? That's a tentacle monster, after all..."

"You jerk! Who has that kind of twisted agenda? Don't think just because you're pretty you can go around making baseless accusations! Stop playing over there! Whoa!" Hearing this, Ichigo was so angry he nearly vomited blood. He immediately turned his head to retort, nearly getting struck by a tentacle as a result.

"How could I be playing? When you can't handle it anymore, I'll throw over the Genki Dama I've been charging up this whole time to finish it off. Don't worry..."

"Genki Dama, your sister! If you want to slack off, just say so! Do you think this is Dragon Ball!? And another thing! Where are you sitting!?"

"?" Lolita tilted her head slightly and looked at Ichigo's physical body, which was lying prone beneath her buttocks. If anyone saw this, they would definitely suspect another "Makoto-style incident." It was no wonder Ichigo was so furious; anyone would be enraged to see their own body being used as a seat cushion...

Lolita, however, had no self-awareness. Instead, she bounced slightly on Ichigo's body as if testing out a new sofa. "The elasticity is pretty good, and the texture is nice too. Could fetch a good price..."

"Hey! Are you looking for a fight!? Whoa-aaaah!!!" Distracted for a split second, Ichigo was snagged by the Hollow's tentacles and hoisted into the air... and... "Whoa!! Ya... Yamete! That's... Aaaaaaah!!!!"

"Seriously, what are you doing? Do you really think you're a magical girl..." Looking at the harmonious scene of the Shinigami and the Hollow "getting intimate," Lolita narrowed her eyes to avoid the sight, then raised her hand without looking...

*Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!* After a few shots, all the tentacles of the monster were severed.

"Cough, cough... You jerk! It even went into my mouth—go to hell!" With one slash, he severed the head of the now-tentacle-less Hollow. The battle was over.